A Sight For Sore Eyes

The Lighter Side to Facing Vision Loss

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TOP 5 THINGS I BUMP INTO

“…And the winner is…”
That’s what we’ll hear at the Academy Awards soon.
My family tunes in to see ’em. Even if they do it sleep-watching, it’s gotta be done.
I say, “Move on over!” I have my own performances vying for attention right at home.
And they are… drum roll please…

“Top 5 Things I Bump into at Home”

#5. The Open Cupboard Clobber
The kitchen cupboard wallops me with a powerhouse sidecut to my exposed forehead in the midst of daring cooking escapades. When I least suspect it, that’s when I turn around and slam into the forgotten Bare. White. Door. Unexpectedly. Ajar. For a double whammy, this may come before or after the occasional collision with the ajar microwave door mounted at cupboard height. Dinner that night is served with a visiting unicorn and an ice pack.

#4. The Basement Wooden Clothes Chute Block
An immovable fixture hanging down in the  smoky light like an upright rectangular blockade, it obstructs my path coming from the freezer in the far corner to the stairs leading to safety.  Anything short of two arms blocking my face in a defensive posture will get me forehead denting, body bruising, face knocking, teeth jarring and chest bouncing. If  I were properly outfitted to step into the fighting ring and punch it with gloves…and if only it were not made from … wood, I’d come out a prize fighting winner!

#3 The Jarring Wall Stop Whack
Ready for me at any moment, the wall stops me FAST. Any step in the wrong direction and it imprints its flat edge on me. I bounce away, shocked and howling, at its very presence.  You wouldn’t think that when bumping into a seemingly harmless wall, it would give such a slap, then look on with a blank stare mocking my cut lip or leaving me with a bungled nose job. Deceptive…

#2. The Open Dishwasher Shin Trip
Beware of this  first rate shin-bruising machine in operation even when unplugged. The daily lurching over the bottom ledge of the plate holder causes bruising on top of bruising.  Even while one bruise is healing, another is forming. Best recycling black and blue contraption ever invented. A phone call is necessary to warn me in advance of the Open Dishwasher Shin Trip and even then I forget.  Yes, I sometimes indulge in name-calling at this steam-letting mortal enemy of mine as I hop around on one foot, letting off my own steam.

And this takes us to my #1 winner….

…#1.Buddy, the Low-Body Pitch!
Unlike any of the other  obstacles, Buddy is a living, breathing creature that lies at my feet. His tail wags at the sound of my voice. His head turns at my slightest movement. The problem is he LIES so low that when I stand up, I pitch forward over his outstretched limbs into a trashcan, (filing case, end table, paper shredder, you fill in the blanks…) Whatever I land on flies across the room. Once I missed a step and sprawled over Buddy’s slow-moving body. A tangle of arms and paws, we both stumbled down the last couple of stairs! But Buddy stands out heads above the rest because he sees himself not as the source of “tailspins”  but rather as my protector. When I lurch forward, he immediately runs to my side and tries to lick off any hurt or pain I feel.

I might fall over Buddy, but I also fall for him, my heart tripping as much as my body.

“Speech, Buddy! SPEECH!”

He keeps it simple: two barks.

Then  stands at attention, waiting expectantly to receive his award.

A large biscuit.

Thunderous applause fills my apartment. Buddy himself joins in with tail-thumping.

After promptly disposing of his award, Buddy stretches out  in front of me. With his face on the floor and one eye on me, he smiles contentedly, his tongue lolling.  I can’t resist saying, “Bud-Bud!” He lifts up his head and moons over at me in complete adoration.

I pronounce us both winners.

You’re reading “Top 5 Things I Bump Into at Home” © Amy Bovaird January 2014. If you enjoyed this selection, hit Share or Leave a comment.

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15 thoughts on “Top 5 Things I Bump into at Home

  • January 20, 2014 at 2:16 pm
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    Thanks for sharing this post. I can only imagine that these five obstacles get in the way. I can totally relate to the open dishwasher shin bump. I can see and I fall for that one every time. Have a beautiful week!

  • January 20, 2014 at 2:37 pm
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    Haha! Yes, I bump into so many of these. My main one at the moment is my daughter though, as she likes to follow me around and tends to get behind me or somewhere I can’t see her!

  • January 20, 2014 at 2:40 pm
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    I can fully see these things and have almost the same problem with bumping into them. I love that you have a sense of humor about the unicorn bump on your forehead. As I was reading your post, I remembered this video called “First Stars I See Tonight” by Hitrecord TV on Youtube. I’d link it, but I don’t know if comments can have links.

    Keep the sense of humor, and Buddy, of course!

  • January 20, 2014 at 2:58 pm
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    OMG this is hilarious! I can so relate and my vision isn’t impaired. They don’t call me Lauri Grace for nothing. 😉 I love your sense of humor. 🙂

  • January 20, 2014 at 5:03 pm
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    Glad to meet a fellow Sojourner coping with the Open Dishwasher Shin Trip! I think we need to buy shin guards!
    Thanks for reading my post!

  • January 20, 2014 at 5:10 pm
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    Hi Alexandria, I think many of us are eligible to enter this new awards show as Lead Actor/ Actress in the Best Comedy and Best Drama in a Series. Awww! Your daughter! She must be quite young…! Thanks for reading my post and have a great day!
    Amy

  • January 20, 2014 at 7:32 pm
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    Lauri, so glad you enjoyed my post! Ha ha! I love your “rottitude!”
    Amy

  • January 20, 2014 at 7:41 pm
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    Hi Missy,
    First, thanks for reading my blog! Second, thanks for believing in my unicorn, no questions asked! I’m definitely going to have to check out that video you mentioned to see what brought it to mind when you saw my post. =) Have a great day!
    Amy

  • January 21, 2014 at 1:25 am
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    Missy,
    I looked up that video you mentioned. Now I know why you recalled it since the 16-year-old girl suffered from RP. It was so beautifully narrated and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing that with me!
    Amy

  • January 21, 2014 at 2:05 pm
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    Amy, hilarious as well as inspiring. I have my sight and still do all of the above. Love

  • January 21, 2014 at 10:18 pm
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    Sue,
    Thanks! =) I hear the Open Dishwasher Shin Trip is an especially popular item for us all to be wary of! But what I’d really like to know is how often you turn and walk into the wall. That’s a tough one to explain away, isn’t it?!
    Thanks so much for following my writing!
    Love ya,
    Amy

  • January 27, 2014 at 10:04 am
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    I can relate to #1 and #2 very well. My other nemesis is the Half-open Door. (Bedroom door, closet door).
    Especially in the middle of the night.
    Great blog! Look forward to more!

  • January 27, 2014 at 12:45 pm
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    Hi Suzette,
    ha ha! I hear you. In the middle of the night when you’re half asleep! Isn’t that the truth!
    Thanks, welcome aboard!

  • February 9, 2014 at 1:04 pm
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    Haha Amy, you continue to make me laff and remember all the mishaps that surround our lives, blind or not!! Big hug to Buddy and a nice warm one to you! Keep the posts coming!!

  • February 9, 2014 at 1:48 pm
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    MINITA!
    (Imagine me shouting with excitement!). Love & miss you!
    So true…never will forget when your sari caught on fire!!
    Did you read my Buddy stories? I plan to write them all out, one every week or two!
    Take care!
    Amy

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